so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
