There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
