I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
