we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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