The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
