I am spending my child support on dildos
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
