I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
