Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
