There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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