the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
