Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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