Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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