So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
