a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
How external is "for external use only"?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
