shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
