My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
