so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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