She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
