Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
