A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
