I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
