i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
