break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
