My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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