she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
