you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
