I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My feet surprised me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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