So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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