dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
