sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
