i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
3pm strippers are depressing
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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