woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
