Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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