Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
