never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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