I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
