Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Plan B is the new Plan A
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
