just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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