I'm jealous of your bromance
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
