Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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