I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
