Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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