I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
