How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
