this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
