you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
