Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
