I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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