I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
