Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
