Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
