tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
