I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
