I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my liver is dry heaving
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
