dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
