Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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