Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
