I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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