i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
