Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
