You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
