I wish my penis had an off switch
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
