I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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