Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
