i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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